For parents and babies

Last Thursday I went to a friends house, they had just had a baby, 5 days old. The child started to burp, so my friend passed him over and said could you wind him. Thinking that a little cruel I gave it a dead leg instead!

This does not bode well...

You’re sat there one morning minding your own business, perhaps doing a spot of painting or god forbid your doing the washing up! and in walks your partner.
"I’ve got something to tell you"
Now whether she suspects you want a baby or not she can hardly contain her excitement, even if there is a little trepidation there.

Now at this point you know what’s coming and are preparing yourself for your reaction. I defy any bloke to jump up and down in the air shouting that’s the best news I ever heard. We're a reserved nation and however much you want a baby you will be thinking how much do I want this baby? Don’t worry about this, its normal.

So with any luck this little stalling point hasn’t betrayed you too much and your now crying in your partners arms, don’t worry about this either, in fact, get used to it. Over the next nine months you will be driving your car or sat on the toilet and from know where you will get a blinding flash or reality. Your going to be a dad, you picture the little fellow and the eyes start to well up. Don’t worry, this too is normal, or at least I hope it is.

So what should you do now, nine months is ages away, so perhaps a pint or two, after all your now officially a stud and people need to be told. Hold your horses there big fella, how ever tempted you are to start blurting the news around town, think about the practicalities. Waiting a few months, at least until the first scan is out of the way (don’t worry, if you don’t know when this is, you will soon be able to walk single handily into Mothercare and whilst carrying a screaming child, do the weekly shopping for nappies, formula milk and breast pads, pay for these with a single hand and your mouth whilst wiping the golden ones mouth clean with a wipe skilfully held with your foot) is a good idea, all the reasons for this that I can think of at least are very sad and I shan’t be spelling them out here.

So the reality is sinking in and the list growing in your mind is getting longer by the day. I went into Mothercare one day with the missus and couldn’t find a single book or magazine aimed at blokes, its as if either a. we don’t care or more likely b. people think because we know so much about so many things, we just don’t need telling. Well egos aside boys, you haven’t got a clue. The painting of the nursery may be like riding a bike for you but changing a nappy and cleaning a baby came as a huge shock to me, even though when I first tried, it was on a proportionally correct stuffed animal. Imagine this on a wriggling baby. The second time was at an NCT class and honestly things hadn’t improved. So get yourself some nappies (just bite the bullet) and a small toy and get to work, you can hide these with your porn stash if it’s too embarrassing for you.

Next up is the pram. Let me tell you, I read somewhere that money is the number 1 reason for marital disputes. This is clearly wrong as you will soon discover. At the top of the market you will be spending £800 + and your partner is going to want one. Nature has made sure that us blokes are practical creatures who forage for the future and thus we won’t want one. They are completely too small for our structure and they shake like a wet dog. I’m not sure I would carry my shopping home in one of these let alone the little bundle of joy. It will be made from felt and so will disintegrate as soon as the dinner ladies start shouting “its spitting”. So armed with this knowledge, you line up for battle with the light of your life. The tears may start, she may even resort to blackmail, but hold your ground, safe in the knowledge that the marketing moguls are to blame for her interest in this pram. It will pay off in the long run. You will end up buying something between the shopping trolley you wanted and the top of the range model. None of this maters of course because the £500 pram you compromised on will be sat on ebay waiting for the next new parents within the first 6 months. You on the other hand will have come to your senses and will be pushing jnr around in a pram so light and compact that a slight wind may well blow it down the street, but on the plus side life will be a lot simpler this way.